Holiday Almanac December 7: Mystery Fruitcake

For more information on the Holiday Almanac, go here. Or to see what I've been up to on past Holiday Almanac days, check out this page.

Let’s be real, have you ever actually had a fruitcake? I’m going to assume that if you are my age or younger that you haven’t. You’re probably super familiar with the jokes in every Christmas movie about them, but you’ve probably never actually had one.

Spice cake batter, including cardamom, ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla and cloves.

I tried to dress it up, but it somehow just was even sadder.

And consequently, you probably have no idea a) whether you like them or b) how they are supposed to taste.

I don’t either, but I am fairly confident that most fruitcake recipes don’t start with making a cake, then destroying the cake by mashing it up with a batch of white frosting. Regardless, here we are, and although we’ve covered ad nauseum how much I adore frosting, I also hate raisins and I’m pretty meh about candied cherries, so I was not holding out a lot of hopes for this cake.

(Please also note that I cut this recipe in quarters because I was fairly confident that I didn’t want a 6 1/2 –pound fruitcake in my kitchen.)

But you guys, this recipe. This recipe is, quite possibly, the worst recipe that the box has generated so far. I would rather eat Wind Pudding than this cake. I would rather eat French Pudding than this cake. I would rather eat Chicken in Chicken Sauce for dinner every night for the rest of 2015 than eat this cake.

No, just no.

This could have been user error: maybe my proportions were wrong; I pared it down so much from 6 ½ pounds that I was doing a lot of complicated math in my head and quite possibly did some of it wrong. But even if I got the proportions right, I just don't think this was going to be a winner, and boy was I right.

P.S. Adorably, today in the Holiday Almanac reminds the reader to tune in for the '1 ½ hour production, live from New York!' of Philadelphia Story, 'brought to you by Betty Crocker.'

The verdict:

0 spoons out of five. Do not make this fruitcake. The only mystery here is who would actually eat this monstrosity.

The recipe:

Mystery Fruitcake

the directions:

Make yourself a spice cake and some white frosting.
Mix together cake and frosting, crumbling cake as you go.
Add all other ingredients and press firmly into a pan, then throw the pan away and eat something different.

the ingredients:

1 spice cake, recipe of your choosing
1 batch of white frosting, your favourite recipe
1 handful pecan halves
1 handful dried currants (or raisins or sultanas)
1 handful dates
1 handful candied cherries
1 handful candied citrus peel